It occurred to me that I can write anything here and no ones going to read it.

Why bother to put my musings on the net where people could read? It would make a nice change to people having no idea what's going on in my head.

Firstly I live in Tasmania. I recently discovered that it would be fairly easy to move to Western Australia. Actually there's a room waiting for me anytime I need it. I have someone who'd look out for me. She'd even find me work.
But my family (besides my lovely cousin) is here.
My girlfriend is here.
My support officer (because I have depression and they haven't really figured out why yet) is here.

But of course I can get a new support officer. I've only met this one once anyway so there's no attachment. She's nice but as I said I could get a new one.


My girlfriend? She doesn't need me. She has a wonderful family and great friends. She's a dreamer. I'm jaded and bitter and it's made me old way before my time. I'm 20 and I've had 40yr old's tell me I'm cynical. I can't help but thinking that Hayley deserves so much better. I know she deserves better. There's a part of me that thinks our relationship is totally selfish on my part.
I need a break from this topic for a bit.

My family? Hell they're the big draw card for going. They're sucking the life out of me. I'm overweight but I've been looking for ways that I can improve that. I saw this machine that lets you walk on the spot. It's actually perfect for me. And it hard arm pulley things that I hadn't even realised. It's $70 which I can just afford.
I showed my mum because she was in the shop at the time. She started asking about a weight limit. I'm over by a bit. She said no. Don't get it. You're too heavy.
That's very encouraging. Not "give it a go. If it doesn't work at least you tried."
When I'm with other people I feel optimistic and willing to give things a go. When I'm in my family I take too many painkillers, crave alcohol more and more and shut myself off.
You think its time to leave the nest?

My girlfriend doesn't want to tell people about us. I wonder why.
If its just that she's scared of their reactions.
If she's not sure how long or serious this is.
If she's not really ready for this and is just trying to be nice to me.

I think of my dad on day's like this. I can't tell you what I would have given for my dad to have loved me. He's the one that started me on my road to cynicism.

I want to tell people that I've wanted to die. That I've cut. That I've bled. I've drunk because I wanted out of reality. There's this darkness that's swallowed me whole, that's sucking me in but I haven't let it take me because you said not to. You said "No, that's wrong. You have to be bright and radiant."

Watch your manners
Watch your weight
Be a good boy
Just behave
What's wrong with you?
Settle down.
Keeping two feet on the ground.
sit up straight
stand up tall
Never falter
Never fall
Stay in school
Make the grade
Never fail
And never fade

Be a hero
Be a star
Anything but what you are
(To be loved by Curtis Stigers)

That song makes me think of what's expected of me. I guess most people feel that way. It's just I have this thing where I'd prefer to die or have my arm removed then disappoint my family.

My plan for tonight is that after Tom watches Rove is to stay up ridiculously late and watch movies. Because I'm not coping and that's what I do when I'm not coping. I stay up late. I... I'm very close to breaking down at the moment.
I just laughed because I realised you probably think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. I've done this before. Why am I so articulate about this? Talking is what I do. Most people on speak broken sentences at two. At that age I was holding conversations. And not about dollies. About how the weather wasn't right for this time of year. How the road works were a real nuisance. About what schools were better then others. Keep in mind that I was TWO! I talk. It's how I cope. Not to people but I write it down. Like now.

I'm going to finish. Believe it or not I'll start another topic later but this is it for now.

I see a shrink. I love to start a conversation that way. Or blogalogue in this case.
Anyway I went to see this shrink the other day and I happened mention that I was in love with a cute little brunette. I told the shrink her name. Anyone who reads this probably already knows but I'm a girl.

Shrink: "I did not know this. How long have you known you were homosexual?"

Me: Well actually I'm bi. And I've always known.

Shrink: Really? You have. This is huge, it changes everything.

Me: It does?

Shrink: Yes. The added stress...

Me: Ah, not really. I've always told people that ask that I'm bi. It's just most people don't ask.

Of course then came the questions on how I knew (I find myself drooling over both and have kissed both), experience (admittedly lacking in that department but there's still the saying "there's a first time for everything') and why this particular girl (because she gets me and I've been waiting for her all my life. I don't need anything else as long as she's in the world).

After THAT came the "I very rarely meet someone as young as you who is so sure about their sexuality."

I said "I'm just lucking and had a very open upbringing." Inside my head I was saying "sucks to be other people then."

So is this my coming out blog? If you want. My friends already know. The family members that it wouldn't upset already know. As for the others? People like my grandparents don't need to know, let them think what they want.

When we're little we're told not to judge a book by its cover and I must admit if my Gran or Mum told me something I took it to be real. Mum took the old saying to another extreme. Don't judge people by their outward appearances or labels. Instead judge the PERSON on the PERSON.

Maybe I took this to another level but with the thought above in mind how could I?

The first person I fell for was a guy. He was sweet and wanted me to be happy. He liked my eccentricities and was a good person. He wasn't the smartest and some people didn't find him attractive (idiots) but he was one of those people that want good for others.
Oh and he doted on his sister. Always a good sign. He was brilliant with animals too.

The next person I seriously liked was a girl and that really was a one-off thing. That was more about me learning to be sexually aware and not so afraid of my body and my feelings.
This girl (we both were back then) was kind and adventurous. She was strong and confident.

I guess in both cases these people were what I needed.

Now I'm in love with this girl and I could wax on poetically about her for hours. Don't worry, I won’t. Point is that I found a person that I can share in-jokes with. That I've told everything. That when I feel bad they're the person I want to be with.
There is not one bit of her I don't totally love, even her indecisiveness at picking a Halloween costume.
It helps that she's really gorgeous. With her pink pouty lips and cute little nose. She doesn't like her hair because it's curly. I love it when she goes to bed and lets it loose.
One day I want to bury my face in that hair and feel safe. Then again as long as she's in the room I'm there.

Does that mean she's perfect? No. She won’t pick her goddamn Halloween costume and she's outta time. She never believes in herself though there should be enough evidence to prove that she's amazing. That and one of my faults is that I'm a little needy so a few words, if just emailed, would be heaven.

To finish, my shrink asked me what I would do if the girl I loved told me that she was in love with the boy next door.
I'd like to point out that there isn't a boy next door but I know what she means.
I'd let her go. I mean it would tear my heart into tiny little shreds but if that's what would make her happy then I'll go so far as to set up a date. Hell, if she told me she'd die without that little reaper/death statue we saw in the shop today I'd blow my allowance on getting it for her. If she suddenly realised that it wasn't me but someone else she was in love with I'd let her go. But only if it made her happy and I'm not planning on letting go anytime soon.

So the point of this blog? There is none but hopefully you thought about something if you read this. And hell, for me it was just good therapy :D

Well hello peoples. Don’t know if people really pay attention to this stuff but I like to talk and its better I do it here then piss my family.

Ok, well I’m failing uni and I can’t seem to care. Just thought I’d mention that. But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing about writing.

A couple of years ago the best person in the world got me on to writing. It’s something I’d done as a kid but had… well basically I was told not to bother. So I didn’t. Then this wonderful person came into my life and I feel like I’ve got me back.

Since then I’ve been looking at published authors and those on the net to get an idea of how they write. I’ve sat through English lectures on the subject. I’ve listened to a lot of crap, now it’s my turn.


Some writers advocate forcing yourself to write through a “writers block”. Give it ago. If it doesn’t work leave it. I’ve left characters and stories for years because I just wasn’t ready for them.

I talk to my characters. If you feel you have people running about your head giving you a walking commentary then don’t think you’re alone. There are at least two people in the world who are in the same boat. It only means that the characters aren’t two-dimensional. Actually there’s a very popular and talented author called Jenny Crusie who calls her muses her “girls in the basement”, same principle really.

People ask where ideas come from. Some authors claim one thing, some another. Me? Sometimes I have an idea because I’ve been given too much time to think. Other times a character introduces their self and they tell me their story. Sometimes a song, poem, story, event will spark an idea.
What I mean to say is it comes from different places for me and it comes from a variety of places for everyone.

I’ll often get the beginning of a story but not the middle or end for sometime. That’s ok. The plot needs to percolate in your brain. No point rushing.


There is no right way to writing. Everyone is different.
Take inspiration as it comes, but remember to write it down or you’ll be doomed to a lost idea.
Do what you want what makes you happy.

My last advice is one from hard use. My writing gets better the more I read and the more I write. Remember people don’t have to see what you write.

Thank you to Hayley who told (ordered) me to write again, and keeps me going when I’m stuck. Also who taught me so much and gave me an outlet to do so and a sounding board.

Well I really don’t have anything to say but this thing looked so boring without any entries that I though I may as well say hello. Hello!

Hm, well if you want to know about me I’m a student.
Latin
English
Sociology
Ancient Civilisations
That is what I have subjected myself to this year.

I am absolutely obsessed with Buffy, Angel, Harry Potter, Stargate, Stargate Atlantis, Farscape and, recently, with Supernatural. Small, incy wincy obsession with Supernatural in particular. As in I don’t know how I’ll live while waiting for season two.

Do you like music? Then we have something in common. I like almost all music and even things that aren’t my favourite I have a habit of liking a few songs.

Oh, on the interesting front I’m a writer. It’s the thing that keeps me sane and I’ve noticed that I’m a lot better at it then I use to be. Thank you Hayley for getting back to where I’m suppose to be :D

Nothing else to say, so until next time

Alaina